Ugh... and other random thoughts.

My blog has turned into a photo gallery of my kids. I'm not sure if that's okay. Is it? The lack of sleep and continuous whining, shouting, crying, and feeding is getting to me. I think my brain has shrunk, and the only tid bits of conversation that I can squeek out are something along the lines of "Nathan hasn't pooped in four days", or "Did you see the seseme street episode where....?". Seriously. This is what my life has come to.

As I sit here, my eyes are burning from being up late last night, and up twice after that to feed Nathan. Lucas is sleeping, after we just spent a half hour in the car listening to the one calming song on our kindermusik CD over, and over, and over again. I am craving chocolate, but trying to use my blueberry green tea to help me over come the intense need. Nathan is sleeping too, in his car seat by the front door where I left him when we got home. This is the first moment of complete quiet I have had in at least a week.
Ahhhh, I am trying to enjoy it.

I had a dream last night that I was trapped underground and couldn't get out. There were all these tunnels and it was so hard to get through them. I finally got to one that had a very small opening to the outside world, and I just stayed there, calling for help. There were a lot of other people trapped too, but Ryan, Lucas, and Nathan weren't there. When we finally got out I was hugging the rescuers over and over again, and then I woke up. At least I got rescued before I woke up! What does this have to do with anything? I don't know. But this is how my brain works lately, going from one random thought to another - Nathan is crying, gotta feed him, Lucas wants his smoothie, gizmo is meowing at me because it is raining and he wont' go outside for his food, I need to pack Ryan's lunch, did I remember to brush my teeth yet, when is the auto insurance due again? Somehow among all of this, I manage to keep my kids clean, fed, safe, and warm, and myself somewhat pulled together, but I can't seem to sit and keep a train of thought long enough to write about it. This is a rare moment, I think.

If it isn't already obvious, I am having a hard day. Yes. I am whining. I am tired. I am crabby. And I just want someone to take care of me for a change. I want to sleep all night long. I want the first shower in the morning. I want to have somewhere important to go. I want dinner cooked for me, laundry folded for me, and the house to magically be clean all the time. Waahh wahhh waaahhhhh.

Ok. I'm done. I will stop whining. It's not productive, and well, Nathan is awake. Sooo.... On with my day!

How's that for a well organized and composed blog post?! :-)

New Year's Resolutions 2010

December 2009 has almost come to and end, and the new year is just around the corner. I have been thinking a lot about resolutions in the last few weeks. Last year I wrote some, intended to follow them all, and only followed a few. I think that is pretty good, considering our lives took an unexpected turn in January with the news of Nathan's upcoming arrival.

This year, I am hoping will be different. It will be busy, of course. Full of firsts for Nathan and lots of activities for Lucas, lots of hard work for Ryan, and me, well, I'll just be trying to help everyone manage it all. Hopefully I can squeeze a little me time in as well.

Here are my resolutions this year...

#1. Eat Better! Myself, and the whole family. And while we're at it, get some exercise too! (yeah, yeah, we all say this, right?! well, I need to actually do it. more veggies and whole grains, less sugar and processed snacks)

#2. Blog more regularly. (this one is a big one for me, blogging is my "me" time... writing is my passion and I want to spend more time doing this for myself)

#3. Less clean up, more fun! (I want to focus less on taking care of the house, and more on playing with the kiddos. Lucas plays so well by himself that I sometimes take advantage of it, and spend all our time cleaning or doing housework. I want to have more one on one time with him doing fun activities, learning new things, and more.)

#4. Recycle, re-purpose, re-use, or re-sell.... instead of storing it in the garage. (I want to have less junk sitting around, and want to get rid of it in the best way possible!)

#5. Shop online or outside rather than in-store. (i.e. farmers markets, garage sales, amazon, etc...this will save me gas, time, and money!)

8 Weeks of Craziness and Love..... Part 1

Nathan is 8 weeks old today. Right about this time of day on September 18th, I was sitting on my couch with my friend Cindy, eating Taco Bell and telling her how I was having strong contractions again. That morning I had woken up to contractions, which was unusual for me. I had had a lot of Braxton Hicks, but never until I had been up and moving around for awhile. Once I got up, my stomach started feeling a little queasy, which I knew was also a sign of labor. However, I had so many plans for the day, I just figured it was nothing and I went along with my day. Visited my parents that morning, contractions were still coming so I got out my timer - nothing regular. My mom and dad looked nervously at me, telling me I was probably going to have the baby that night. I said no way, and was planning to go to Lucas' gym class at 5pm. The contractions went away and I put the thought in the back of my mind, but not before calling Ryan to "warn" him that I was feeling a bit different.
Cindy and I talked and shared pregnancy stories for a few hours while Lucas took a long nap, we laughed at my contractions, saying Nathan probably wouldn't be around for another week or two. She left around 3pm, and shortly afterward, my grandma stopped by to drop off some goodies for us. By the time she left it was about 4:30 and I called Ryan, who convinced me to call the doctor. It was almost 5 on a friday, so he though we should call just in case. I did, and they told me to go to the hospital. I still wasn't convinced, but I agreed.

By the time I called Ryan back and told him to come home, called my father in law to pick up Lucas, alerted my mom and grandma, and grabbed the hospital bags, I was having contractions 5-10 mins apart and they were getting stronger. And by the time we were in the car on our way, I was convinced Nathan was on his way. When we arrived at Labor and Delivery around 5:30 the nurses looked at me and Ryan, unconvinced that we should be there. I think we looked too calm. I started getting annoyed. Then one of them asked if it was our first baby, and when we said no, they sprung into action. I guess it is true that second babies come quicker than the first!

They checked us in to a delivery room for monitoring, and it of course was the same room Lucas had been delivered in. Memories flooded my head and I almost started to cry. Luke's birth had been the most amazing yet difficult and somewhat traumatic experience for me, but I wanted to stay as calm and positive as possible. This time would be different. I just knew it. After an hour or so of monitoring, the nurse told us we would be staying to have our baby! We called our family, sent out text messages, and even alerted facebook!

The labor part went pretty smoothly. I had decided already that I wanted an epidural, so I had that done before the contractions got too painful. I was given some pitocin to speed things up, the on call doctor broke my water, and things started moving quickly. There was a bit of concern because I had a fever when I arrived, and the babys heart rate was elevated. It turned out I was just dehydrated from my extra busy day, in the heat, and I hadn't been drinking much at all. Once I had enough fluids his heart rate went down to normal and everything looked good.

The epidural worked great, but soon I could tell it was time to push. When the nurse confirmed this, I started to cry. The whole thing was so emotional for me. It had been a very personal decision for me to go with a normal delivery rather than follow my doctor's recommendations to have a C Section. I really felt like I was meant to have the true birth experience, and was prepared to deal with whatever happened to my body because of that.

With Ryan on one side of me, my dad on the other, and my mom, Ryan's mom, and my grandma all in the room with us, I had so much emotional support. Things took a bit of a turn when Nathan showed some signs of distress after awhile of pushing. I heard the nurse mention a vacuum, at which point I just closed my eyes, the doctor came running in, and a few minutes later our little miracle arrived, at 11:33pm. He was limp, blue, and not breathing but the amazing nurses took great care of him and within minutes he was perfect. It turned out they didn't need the vacuum. I did it, all by myself. Even with the epidural it was the most intense pain I had ever felt in my life. There were moments I though I couldn't breathe, couldn't push, felt overwhelmingly sick, but I did it anyway, and because of that I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life.

Once they handed Nathan to me, he never left our sight. That first night, neither Ryan or I slept. We just held him close, marveled over the experience and how happy we were.

To Be Continued.... day 2 and the first 8 weeks.

Nathan is One Month Old... and I am 30!

Nathan had his one month doctor appointment on Monday. He weighed 10 lbs, 14 oz, and was 22 inches. So, he has already gained 2 1/2 pounds and one inch! He is growing great, and doing really well. One thing we are a little worried about is his constant grunting and gassiness. He seems quite uncomfortable much of the time, so we are trying some probiotics once a day, and I am going to cut more foods out of my diet (dairy, soy, etc). Hopefully things improve on that end but over all he is doing very well. He is a good sleeper and eater. Last night he slept for 5 1/2 hours, his longest stretch yet. Too bad I didn't go to bed when he did... I was up till about 11 so I only took advantage of a couple hours in a row. The rest of the night he woke up every two hours!
He is starting to interact with us a little more. We have had a few "real" smiles now, and he seems to be making some little faces at us sometimes. He likes to listen to us talk and sing to him, and loves watching our faces. He is such a good little baby. He even is happy to sit in his bouncy seat or swing when his tummy isn't bugging him.

Sooo... in other news... I am 30. Ugh. Everyone (everyone older than 30 that is) says the 30s are the best years, so I am hoping so! I'm thinking they are going to be a little foggy with all this sleep deprivation and focus on the kids for awhile, but I am excited nonetheless. I am happy and proud to have so much to show for my 30 years. Two wonderful little boys that Ryan and I are raising together, already an accomplishment but an exciting challenge as well.
Celebrations were a bit spread out this year. My family's get-together was canceled when my parents and brother ended up with a bad flu and were confined to their house for a few days. Ryan took me out with the boys and I got to pick out some new sunglasses (prescription, yay!) and some other fun stuff. We also got together with Ryan's family over last weekend to celebrate, and went to the pumpkin patch with the kids. They had a hay ride, a train ride, music, a maze, and lots of animals. It was a lot of fun! Now we are back to the daily routine, or at least trying to find a daily routine.....

37 weeks

We are 37 weeks today. I can't believe how the time has flown by! Where has this pregnancy gone? Today Nathan is considered full term. He can be born any time now and should be able to function perfectly in our great big world. Now, the waiting begins. Ryan and I are so excited to meet him. I can't wait to see his little face, to hear his little voice, to count his little fingers and toes. I can't wait to introduce him to his big brother, his grandparents, and all our friends. This little guy is going to make us a real family of four.

He is going to be lucky as the second child. This time we know more of what we are doing, we won't be quite so clueless, he won't be as much of an experiment in parenting. Hopefully we'll remember the tricks that worked with Lucas and we'll be a little more confident this time around.

I have noticed lately, with my giant protruding belly, that I have a bit more respect in the mom community. Other moms I barely know or don't even know at all are asking me for advice, like I know what I'm doing or something. They see me leading Lucas by the hand as I waddle into his gym class or the grocery store and for some reason they think I have the answer to parenthood. It is the strangest thing, because I still feel like I have to clue what I'm doing. I wonder every day if I am making the right choices for Lucas. I am doing the best I can, and I hope that is good enough. I do remember though, when I was pregnant with Lucas, seeing other moms out in public, wondering how they do it. I'd see moms of two or three and admire them, thinking about what it would be like to be in their situation. Now I am, and it's so surreal!

A lot of moms of one child lately have been asking me how I knew I was ready to have another baby. They wonder how I am going to do it with two boys. I can see in their faces that they are thinking about it, but they are hesitant and a bit scared. Well, the truth is I didn't feel ready yet, but I felt this twinge in my heart, this little hormonal tug that told me it was time. It wasn't common sense or planning, it was my heart, and Ryan's too. We both wanted this, whether we were ready or not and so this surprise pregnancy was in fact a surprise, and not planned at all, but it wasn't an accident. It was what we wanted. And the truth is that I have no clue how I'm going to do it. I am entering into a very challenging time of my life, especially staying home full time. I won't have an outlet or an escape into the adult world except for at playdates, conversations with Ryan or my mom, and maybe a weekly trip to the grocery store if I'm lucky. But I know it's coming this time. I remember the challenges and I know they can only be greater when there are two little ones tugging on my arms and crying when they need something. But at the same time, that is the most wonderful part of this whole situation. There will be TWO little ones. Two sets of little eyes and two little voices calling me Mama, two hugs at bedtime, two hands to hold, and two perfect little people that Ryan and I made and are raising in our family. It just doesn't get much better than that.

Miracle Please, not Medical

I have considered a C Section throughout my pregnancy. Just the thought of going through the trauma I did last time is enough to make most women never want to deliver another baby. But, at the same time, I want a second chance. I want a chance to enjoy the experience, the miracle of the birth process that my body is meant to carry out.

When the doctor and nurses delivered Lucas I thought he was gone. His heart rate was so low and they had to get him out so fast, there was panic on the face of the nurses in the room and I watched as they pounded on his chest and back, harder than I thought was safe for a couple second old baby. I remember saying, "Why isn't he crying?! Is he okay? Why isn't he crying!?". I was crying myself, and I can remember the fear and weakness in my heart, thinking I had lost my baby. I remember my moms face, she was telling me he was okay, over and over. I don't know if she really believed it at the time, but those words made me strong, and when the moment finally came that I heard my son crying for the first time, it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

The experience I had during Lucas' birth was very difficult for me, and the first nine months of physical recover following was a challenge. Dealing with pain for months and months in a part of your body that it isn't so socially acceptable to talk about with others, going though a surgery a couple months after delivery, and feeling like my body wasn't anywhere near normal for almost a year afterwards has been hard, but it has also made me stronger. I got through it. And I can do it again.

I have had people comment on the bond I have with Lucas, they can see how much I love him and how attached he is to me. I think this bond is partly because of the process we went through at birth. Feeling like I almost lost the most precious thing in the world has made me hold on tighter to what I have, and it helps me to appreciate every moment I do have. It gives me patience when I am wavering. It sends me back to reality when I am wrapped up in my own tiredness and frustration. I love Lucas with every ounce of my heart and soul and being his mom has changed my life in the most amazing ways. I am not the same person I was a couple years ago. I am stronger and more confident, I am more me than I have ever been.

So yesterday my doctor brought up a C Section at our weekly appointment. I trust this doctor very much, and I really believe he thinks it is the best thing for me. And I understand the reasoning. He can't guarantee me that I won't have another 4th degree tear unless I opt for surgery. I thought about it more after the appointment. I went home and did a little reading on the cesarean process. I talked with my family. Not everyone will agree with my decision, but I am going to follow my gut instincts, and that is to try for a normal birth again. I want the experience I never had with Lucas. I want the miracle of birth, not the medical option. So that is what we are going to do, unless an emergency comes up and a C Section is necessary for mine or Nathan's safety. I know my doctors will support my decision, and I know my family will too. I believe in my heart that it is the right decision for me, no matter what the outcome may be.

Gluten Free Info for Lucas and I

I have had a lot of requests for info on my gluten free diet lately so I wanted to put something together for friends and family who are interested in helping out when Nathan arrives. Lucas also finally had his celiac testing done and he does have the gene for the disease, so we have to keep him on a gluten free diet as well. Poor Ryan is the minority in our house now!

Here is some basic information:


First of all, here is what we CAN eat:

• Fresh meats, fish and poultry (not breaded, batter-coated or marinated)
• Most dairy products (check yogurts and dairy drinks for other ingredients)
  
• Fruits
• Vegetables
• Rice (except for rice pilaf or most boxed rice mixes)
  
• Potatoes
• Gluten free flours (rice, soy, corn, potato)
• Gluten free pasta such as rice pasta sold at Lassens, trader joes, and other health food stores
• Corn - corn tortillas, corn chips, polenta
• Beans and Legumes
  

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We cannot eat wheat, rye, oats or barley. There are many forms of these grains and they are listed below.

• Wheat
• Barley
• Rye
• Farina
• Graham flour
• Semolina
• Durham
• Bulgur
• Kamut
• Kasha
• Matzo meal
• Oats
  
• Spelt (a form of wheat)
• Triticale

Wheat is the tricky ingredient here, it can be found in many foods that you would not suspect it. Here are the common foods to avoid:

• Breads
• Cereals
• Crackers
• Croutons
• Pasta
• Cookies
• Cakes and pies
• Soups
• Gravies
• Sauces (including soy sauce)
• Salad dressings
• Beer
• Candy
• Imitation meat or seafood
• Processed luncheon meats
• Self-basting poultry

Gluten can also be hidden in many food additives and other items, here are a few more things to avoid:

• Food additives, such as malt or malt flavoring, modified food starch, hydrolyzed vegetable protein
  
• Medications and vitamins that use gluten as a binding agent
• Lipstick and lip balms
• Toothpaste
• Postage stamps
• Play dough

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For more info.....

On what local restaurants have gluten free food:
http://www.venturaceliac.org/restaurants.htm

On the gluten free diet:
http://www.celiac.org/