It is 2:13 am and I am awake. I am in bed with my laptop, staring at the video monitor of Lucas sleeping in his crib. He is sick with a cold and a bad cough, so as his mommy, I am keeping an extra eye on him as he makes little squeaks and coughs and wiggles his way down the wedge we’ve placed him on to elevate his head. I can’t seem to sleep tonight. Normally, I would be trying to get back to sleep, knowing how precious the few hours during the night are when I can get some time to rest, but tonight for some reason, I just wanted to stay awake and watch him.
Being a mom is a glorious new experience for me. I am loving him so much. He has opened my eyes to a whole new meaning in life, renewed my sense of self, and given me such physical and mental strength that I didn’t know I had. My body and my brain have been challenged more in the last 10 weeks than they ever have before. I have learned so much about myself and what I want out of life, for Lucas, for myself, for my family. Watching Ryan be a dad is just as rewarding. I see his face light up when he comes home from work to his little boy, and he grabs him up in his arms. Lucas saves special smiles and coos for his daddy every day.
Today I found myself driving to one of my newfound favorite places - the pacific view mall. I don’t go there to shop, nope I go there to walk with Lucas. I put him in his wrap carrier and I walk around with him strapped to my chest, until he falls asleep. Then I go to the food court and enjoy the luxury of eating lunch with two hands. Afterwards I may wander around and window shop as Lucas naps. I notice that other moms seem to have the same idea. There are strollers everywhere being pushed by tired looking parents. Today I watched the kids visiting the Easter bunny and contemplated torturing Lucas with a visit to his lap. I decided against it, since waking him up didn’t seem like an enjoyable thing to do at the time. I remember looking at the pictures of my brother and I with the Easter Bunny when we were just little babies and thought it would be cute to have those memories for Lucas. Maybe I’ll go back tomorrow. Anyway, as I was standing in the food court today eating my tacos while standing up and bouncing my little guy, I suddenly thought to myself, I am SO lucky! I have everything I have ever wanted. I have a great family now, a wonderful husband and beautiful new baby. I couldn’t ask for anything more than this. Suddenly everything that used to seem so important to me seems so trivial. The only thing that matters to me now is my family. What a great new perspective!
As I sit here, knowing that tomorrow morning when Lucas wakes up refreshed and I wake up with a mommy hangover, I will regret the moment of insanity that drove me to grab my computer at 2am, but for now I am happy sitting here, thinking about Lucas, and enjoying the quiet time.