I have considered a C Section throughout my pregnancy. Just the thought of going through the trauma I did last time is enough to make most women never want to deliver another baby. But, at the same time, I want a second chance. I want a chance to enjoy the experience, the miracle of the birth process that my body is meant to carry out.
When the doctor and nurses delivered Lucas I thought he was gone. His heart rate was so low and they had to get him out so fast, there was panic on the face of the nurses in the room and I watched as they pounded on his chest and back, harder than I thought was safe for a couple second old baby. I remember saying, "Why isn't he crying?! Is he okay? Why isn't he crying!?". I was crying myself, and I can remember the fear and weakness in my heart, thinking I had lost my baby. I remember my moms face, she was telling me he was okay, over and over. I don't know if she really believed it at the time, but those words made me strong, and when the moment finally came that I heard my son crying for the first time, it was the most beautiful sound in the world.
The experience I had during Lucas' birth was very difficult for me, and the first nine months of physical recover following was a challenge. Dealing with pain for months and months in a part of your body that it isn't so socially acceptable to talk about with others, going though a surgery a couple months after delivery, and feeling like my body wasn't anywhere near normal for almost a year afterwards has been hard, but it has also made me stronger. I got through it. And I can do it again.
I have had people comment on the bond I have with Lucas, they can see how much I love him and how attached he is to me. I think this bond is partly because of the process we went through at birth. Feeling like I almost lost the most precious thing in the world has made me hold on tighter to what I have, and it helps me to appreciate every moment I do have. It gives me patience when I am wavering. It sends me back to reality when I am wrapped up in my own tiredness and frustration. I love Lucas with every ounce of my heart and soul and being his mom has changed my life in the most amazing ways. I am not the same person I was a couple years ago. I am stronger and more confident, I am more me than I have ever been.
So yesterday my doctor brought up a C Section at our weekly appointment. I trust this doctor very much, and I really believe he thinks it is the best thing for me. And I understand the reasoning. He can't guarantee me that I won't have another 4th degree tear unless I opt for surgery. I thought about it more after the appointment. I went home and did a little reading on the cesarean process. I talked with my family. Not everyone will agree with my decision, but I am going to follow my gut instincts, and that is to try for a normal birth again. I want the experience I never had with Lucas. I want the miracle of birth, not the medical option. So that is what we are going to do, unless an emergency comes up and a C Section is necessary for mine or Nathan's safety. I know my doctors will support my decision, and I know my family will too. I believe in my heart that it is the right decision for me, no matter what the outcome may be.