The Green Bean Dance

This is what being pregnant does to me...

I am now too tired and too sick to care when Lucas dumps a can of green beans on the floor...

begins eating them and sharing them with Ruffy...

stomps on them until they are smashed into his pajamas and smeared everywhere...

but alas, I got a few moments without someone whining, biting, or pulling on me.

No, I will not pick up your magazine.

I had one of those moments yesterday when I knew my life had really changed. I was in Lassens, stocking up on gluten free crackers for me and Lucas. I felt totally frazzled, you know, hadn't showered in two days, my sweatshirt was covered in baby boogers, my pants falling down from the weight of Lucas on my back, and I'm pretty sure my shoe was untied. I stood in line, and noticed the girl in front of me. She had a tight fur lined jacket on over sweatpants and tight boots. Her hair was long and flowing perfectly. As it neared her turn she reached over me to replace the magazine she had been reading and it fell to the floor at my feet. She looked at me as if I should pick it up for her. Me? Me with my four hands completely occupied, bend over to pick something up while holding Lucas for the one hundreth time today? "No, I don't think so missey. Do it yourself." I stepped back. She picked it up. One-Zero in favor of the frazzled mom. Next I noticed her purchase - Chocolate, and green onions. What the !? I busied myself by searching for my wallet and looked up just in time to see the twenty something curly haired checker boy flash her a smile and give her a once over. All of a sudden I realized, that is never going to happen to me again. And at this moment, there is not even a chance on this earth of that happening to me. I am a mom, with a pony tail and glasses and wrinkled jeans and crusty sweatshirt. I decide to see if the checker boy will smile at me... a desperate last attempt. I pay for my food and while Lucas yanks my ponytail from the carrier on my back I flash him a smile on my way out. He smiles back... YES! But wait, was that a pitty smile? I decide not to look back, I'll just pretend that I got the once over on the way out too.

All I can say is "Wow"

A million thoughts are running through my head right now. My heart is pounding, my body is shaking, my breath is short. I'm not ready for this, I am terrified, but I am happy, ecstatically happy at the same time. It is God's will, right? This wouldn't be happening if it weren't in his plan.

Let me back up a little bit...
Something made me go to the hall closet today, and pull down a box that I hadn't opened in quite awhile in search of a specific item. I thought, "What am I doing? This is silly. I'm overreacting". Well, truth is, I wasn't. My knees weakened and I sunk to the floor as I watched the plus sign appear. Oh My God.

I have so many things to do! I have to make a doctor's appointment, oh my gosh my antibiotics... are they safe? and I took DayQuil yesterday, was that safe? Gotta figure out the due date... (Oct. 3rd) OH NO I am Renee's Matron of Honor on October 10th! How am I going to do that? What else? I have to go get some more folic acid, and prenatal vitamins. I have to clean the house, the WHOLE house, because I know any day now I'm gonna be tired and feel like I'm gonna puke and that feeling won't go away for about 12 weeks.

I can't believe this is happening again. How is it that it took us 5 months of careful planning to concieve Lucas and only one month of "eh, lets not worry about it, we won't get pregnant" to concieve buggie #2.

Despite my freaking out right now, I know in my heart that I really did want this. I admit I have been thinking about it. My heart and my "mommy brain" have been saying for awhile now that it's time for another one, I want to be pregnant again, now that Lucas isn't a baby anymore. My logical side is the part of me that was saying "NO!" "WAIT!" "Give yourself more time with Lucas, more time to enjoy before another one comes and life turns to chaos again." So, friends, that is why I am freaking out right now. Because I don't know if I can handle sleepless nights again, nursing every hour and a half, not being able to take a shower, the list goes on. And with two, I'll lose the nap times, they won't sleep at the same time, they won't eat at the same time, they won't poop at the same time... oh my gosh. Two cribs, two sets of diapers, bottles...

Maybe the second one will be easier. Lucas is a sweet and happy baby, but he has been a challenge with his high energy and need for constant close contact. Maybe this one will like the stroller, riding in the car, lying in the crib for more than a couple minutes. Maybe this one will be a better sleeper. I wonder if this one will be a girl... I know I am meant to have a girl, I just don't know if she is going to be number two, or three, or even four?

And now for my major fear, the delivery. I can't go through what I did with Lucas. I can't do that again. I can't deal with another 10 months of post delivery pain, another potential surgery, another 4th degree tear. Should I have a C-Section to avoid it? I am terrified of surgery. Am I more terrified of re-living the pain I had last time around, or of having a surgery? I don't know.

Lastly, I cannot wait to meet this beautiful blessing that has been given to Ryan, Lucas and I. We will be a family of four. How wonderful is that? I am so excited.

Crazy Hair

Curly Locks, originally uploaded by suzannejeanette.

Another of my favorite photos of Lucas. It captures his long and curly blonde hair the morning before his first haircut. It was about 6am and you can see the light of the sunrise behind him in our living room window.

Summer in January

summer in january, originally uploaded by suzannejeanette.

Ryan and I took Lucas for a walk downtown yesterday, to enjoy the warm weather. We stopped at the fountain across the street from the mission, and Lucas was so excited by the water. This boy is going to be part fish, just like his dad. He would have dove into the fountain if we had let him. This picture captures his happy toes in the water.

Germs, Snot, Rocks, and Leaves

I used to be completely germophobic. Someone sneezed, and I was backing away like they had the plague. If I dropped food on the floor, it became trash, even if it fell off the plate onto the counter I wouldn't eat it. Ryan grew accustomed to grabbing my discards, taking the plate that had the hair on it, and using the fork that fell on the floor. That's love, baby. I wouldn't use food that was even one day past it's expiration, and wouldn't eat anything that had been sitting out more than an hour. I don't know if it was fear of getting sick, or just disgust of the germs themselves.

Today I realized that I have evolved, and Lucas is to blame. To make my point, let me describe my morning....

Get up, help Ryan who is changing Luke's diaper, wash hands (thank goodness), try to make breakfast with one hand while holding lucas and wiping his nose on my sleeve. Run a few errands, forgetting to take along something to wipe his nose, use sleeve again. Come home, once again cook with one hand (except while washing the chicken - the old me still prevails there) and the other holding lucas. Watch as he runs around the back yard putting rocks and leaves in his mouth. Stick my fingers in his mouth a few times and pull out leaves and hard cat food. Wipe dog hair off his face and put him in the high chair for lunch. He throws his food on the floor, I pick it up and put it back on his tray, he throws it again, Ruffy gets it... lucky for Lucas. Realize I never washed his hands for lunch, oh well. Hand him a yogurt drink that I made two hours ago thinking "it's probably fine". Get him down out of his chair and point to a pomegranate seed on the floor, saying "Look Lucas, look what you missed!" as he picks it up and puts it in his mouth.

I'll stop there. My gosh, what am I teaching my child? At least I'm not teaching him to fear germs. At least I'm building up his immune system, right?

So what happened in the last 365 or so days that changed me from germ-0-phobe to germ-I-don't-care? Having a kid... having a kid who had at least 8 colds in the last year. Not being able to keep everything clean all the time, being so sleep deprived that I don't even care if my child eats dirt. Sometimes it is the insane desire to get out of the house despite better knowledge that my sick baby would be better off at home. It's just that, well, life goes on, despite being sick, and no matter what, he's gonna get sick, and so am I. So I'm done worrying. I'm taking life as it comes. However....I'm not saying that I'm stupid. If I know someone's sick, I am going to stay away, and I would never bring my coughing feverish child to a playdate or someones house, but the grocery store, yeah probably. It's just part of me doing my best in this world as a mom.

Ruffy, I love you

Ruffy, I love you, originally uploaded by suzannejeanette.

I am falling victim to numerous new social sites online these days... I just signed up for flickr, uploaded some photos, and boom! now I'm blogging from flickr - how cool is that?

This photo was taken two days ago, it was exhaustingly hot outside and lucas and ruffy had just come in from playing in the sand box... Can you feel the love in this picture?

Mom's Pesto Recipe

I've also had requests for my mom's pesto pasta recipe from Luke's birthday party..... here it is straight from the chef herself... just add your choice of pasta and you have a delicious dish! We use gluten free rice pasta, but any will work. Thanks Mom! she didn't know I'd be posting her directions on my blog when she sent me the email... ;-)

Spinach Pesto

Here is what I put in it. Frozen spinach, I thaw it and squeeze all the liquid out really well. I used the frozen bag from trader joes.
In my Cuisinart I put garlic (as much as you like), lemon juice (as much as you like from a fresh lemon), Parmesan cheese, (I usually use pecarino cheese but I was out of it, Parmesan has a milder flavor). I usually just add as much as I want for flavor and texture, I also added a few basil leaves, but you could also use Italian parsley leaves too.

After you get it all in there add a little salt and a good olive oil. Blend while adding more olive oil until it is all blended finely. I usually store it in a jar for up to 2 weeks.... just make sure you cover it in olive oil to keep it fresh. Each time I take some out for pasta or pizza I add more olive oil to top it off in the jar. Pine nuts are really good in it too. I didn't put any in the kids dish because of possible allergies. But if you can, try pine nuts for a great roasted flavor and it adds a little protein to the sauce. I buy pine nuts at trader joes and roast them myself in a nonstick skillet over low heat YUMMY! Good luck and have fun! You can't mess this up its all to your taste.


***Note from Suzanne - The "adult" version used primarily basil instead of the spinach, and included pine nuts. There was also diced chicken, and roasted pepper, eggplant and tomato included. ***

Holiday Candy Recipes

I have gotten many requests for the recipes I used to make both the peanut butter cups and toffee at Christmas and Luke's birthday... here they are!

Chocolate Almond Toffee

INGREDIENTS

• 2 cups butter
• 2 cups white sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
• 1 cup finely chopped almonds

DIRECTIONS

In a large heavy bottomed saucepan, combine the butter, sugar and salt. Cook over medium heat, stirring until the butter is melted. Allow to come to a boil, and cook until the mixture becomes a dark amber color, and the temperature has reached 285 degrees F (137 degrees C). Stir occasionally.

While the toffee is cooking, cover a large baking sheet with aluminum foil or parchment paper.

As soon as the toffee reaches the proper temperature, pour it out onto the prepared baking sheet. Sprinkle the chocolate over the top, and let it set for a minute or two to soften. Spread the chocolate into a thin even layer once it is melted. Sprinkle the nuts over the chocolate, and press in slightly. Putting a plastic bag over your hand will minimize the mess.

Place the toffee in the refrigerator to chill until set. Break into pieces, and store in an airtight container.

(recipe taken from allrecipes.com - http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Best-Toffee-Ever---Super-Easy/Detail.aspx)


Homemade Peanut Butter Cups

Ingredients:

• 1 cup creamy peanut butter, divided
• 4-1/2 teaspoons butter, softened
• 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips
• 4 milk chocolate candy bars (1.55 ounces each), coarsely chopped
• Colored sprinkles, optional

Directions:

In a small bowl, combine 1/2 cup peanut butter, butter, confectioners' sugar and salt until smooth; set aside.
In a small microwave-safe bowl, melt the chocolate chips, candy bars and remaining peanut butter; stir until smooth.
Drop teaspoonfuls of chocolate mixture into paper-lined miniature muffin cups. Top each with a scant teaspoonful of peanut butter mixture; top with another teaspoonful of chocolate mixture. Decorate with sprinkles if desired. Refrigerate until set. Store in an airtight container. Yield: 3 dozen.

(Recipe taken from tasteofhome.com - http://www.tasteofhome.com/Recipes/Homemade-Peanut-Butter-Cups)

One year old!

Today is my baby's birthday. He is one year old! At this time one year ago I was on my way to the hospital. I can't believe it has been a year. I can't believe I have a toddler now. He is an actual kid, not a baby anymore. He walks, talks, and eats like a big kid. It is amazing what he has accomplished over the last year. I think I'll tell him his birth story today, not that he'll understand what I'm talking about, but I think I'll tell him anyway.... the story of how he came into the world and made me and ryan parents.

The last year has been a major blur, due to sleep deprivation, and re balancing my entire life and priorities. Here is what I remember...

Month one: a blur of sleeping, feeding, sleeping feeding, sleeping feeding, yet somehow I didn't seem to get any sleep or food.

Month two: trying to get out of the house, lots of crying, and more feeding, sleeping, feeding, sleeping..

Month three: Surgery for me, getting into a routine, started getting the hang of going out with the baby, sleeping better, still lots of feeding.

Month four: I quit my job, we remodeled our soon to be new house, I finally started feeling better after the surgery, less sleeping, still lots of feeding...

Month five: we moved, Lucas stopped sleeping at night, unpacking, started going to moms group, met some friends, less feeding...

Month six: still no sleeping for us, still unpacking, lots of mom's group activities, lucas starts eating solids in an attempt to fill him up and help him sleep longer.

Month seven: Lucas is sleeping with us, eating well, playing alot, starts sitting up and playing by himself a little, we are still not getting any sleep.

Month eight: I finally give up and let lucas cry, he starts sleeping better, I start sleeping better, he starts crawling, and everyone is happy.

Month nine: Lots of playing, eating, sleeping, and fun times for all of us.

Month ten: Lucas is walking, we babyproofed the house, I can finally get things done at home, we are eating and sleeping well.

Month eleven: Lucas is running, talking, feeding himself, and I start wondering if I may be ready for another baby...

Month twelve: I am happy to finally be able to have some time to myself, Lucas is playing by himself alot now, we are all eating and sleeping well and happy. I definitely am not ready for another baby yet!