A million thoughts are running through my head right now. My heart is pounding, my body is shaking, my breath is short. I'm not ready for this, I am terrified, but I am happy, ecstatically happy at the same time. It is God's will, right? This wouldn't be happening if it weren't in his plan.
Let me back up a little bit...
Something made me go to the hall closet today, and pull down a box that I hadn't opened in quite awhile in search of a specific item. I thought, "What am I doing? This is silly. I'm overreacting". Well, truth is, I wasn't. My knees weakened and I sunk to the floor as I watched the plus sign appear. Oh My God.
I have so many things to do! I have to make a doctor's appointment, oh my gosh my antibiotics... are they safe? and I took DayQuil yesterday, was that safe? Gotta figure out the due date... (Oct. 3rd) OH NO I am Renee's Matron of Honor on October 10th! How am I going to do that? What else? I have to go get some more folic acid, and prenatal vitamins. I have to clean the house, the WHOLE house, because I know any day now I'm gonna be tired and feel like I'm gonna puke and that feeling won't go away for about 12 weeks.
I can't believe this is happening again. How is it that it took us 5 months of careful planning to concieve Lucas and only one month of "eh, lets not worry about it, we won't get pregnant" to concieve buggie #2.
Despite my freaking out right now, I know in my heart that I really did want this. I admit I have been thinking about it. My heart and my "mommy brain" have been saying for awhile now that it's time for another one, I want to be pregnant again, now that Lucas isn't a baby anymore. My logical side is the part of me that was saying "NO!" "WAIT!" "Give yourself more time with Lucas, more time to enjoy before another one comes and life turns to chaos again." So, friends, that is why I am freaking out right now. Because I don't know if I can handle sleepless nights again, nursing every hour and a half, not being able to take a shower, the list goes on. And with two, I'll lose the nap times, they won't sleep at the same time, they won't eat at the same time, they won't poop at the same time... oh my gosh. Two cribs, two sets of diapers, bottles...
Maybe the second one will be easier. Lucas is a sweet and happy baby, but he has been a challenge with his high energy and need for constant close contact. Maybe this one will like the stroller, riding in the car, lying in the crib for more than a couple minutes. Maybe this one will be a better sleeper. I wonder if this one will be a girl... I know I am meant to have a girl, I just don't know if she is going to be number two, or three, or even four?
And now for my major fear, the delivery. I can't go through what I did with Lucas. I can't do that again. I can't deal with another 10 months of post delivery pain, another potential surgery, another 4th degree tear. Should I have a C-Section to avoid it? I am terrified of surgery. Am I more terrified of re-living the pain I had last time around, or of having a surgery? I don't know.
Lastly, I cannot wait to meet this beautiful blessing that has been given to Ryan, Lucas and I. We will be a family of four. How wonderful is that? I am so excited.