Hormones, or Something...

Today was not a good day. I am trying really hard to keep a positive attitude throughout this challenge, but today it just did not work. I feel sick, I feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that I still have many weeks to go before I can feel better, and I am so frustrated with myself for not being able to focus all my attention on Lucas. He needs me right now, and all I can do is sit on the couch, or the floor, or the bed, and watch him play. He doesn't like that. He wants me to play with him, hold him, dance with him, sing to him, take him out to fun places. But I can't. Not right now. Today he is teething. He was crying all day long, pulling on his ear, chewing on his finger, wouldn't eat, and just wanted me to help him. No matter what I tried to do, it wasn't working, he wasn't happy. I felt like I failed him today, like I wasn't there for him the way he needed me to be. He's been waking up at night every night for the last week, crying for a "ba-ba" or just crying for help. I feel so sick when I am woken up in the middle of the night, so I have to ask Ryan to go to him every time. I know he loves his daddy and I know that Ryan can take care of him, but I still feel like he needs me and I am not there for him. It actually hurts my heart not being able to go to him when he cries at night. I need this to be over. I need it to be over so badly. I am so frustrated and at times angry that I have to be pregnant right now. I wasn't ready for this, and it is really hard. But maybe I am just having a hard day, maybe Lucas's tooth will break through tonight and tomorrow he'll be in a great mood. Maybe he understands that mommy is sick right now and can't be there for him every moment. I know he knows I love him. I do, more than anything. He wouldn't go to sleep tonight, he cried and cried. Ryan wasn't home yet to help me, and I went into his room and got him out of his crib and just held him. He laid his head on my shoulder and I closed my eyes - for a moment all the sick feelings went away and it was just me and my little angel, his arms around my neck, breathing softly. That's what being a mama is about, being there, to hold, love, and care for my baby. I'm doing my best to do that.